On Tap for Today

A fun loving, inspired living blog


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Today: Treats and snoozin.

[tweetmeme source=”elizabethev” only_single=false]Today is a good day.  Most of them are.  Today especially, though… because I now have not one, but two “Marcel the Shell with shoes on” videos to watch on an endless loop.  If you have no idea what I am talking about, don’t feel badly.  Three weeks ago, I would have had no idea either.  Then my friend Meg enlightened me, sharing quite possibly the greatest YouTube of all time (if we lived in a world where this video didn’t exist).

Part I

And…. dun dun duuuuun… Part II

What you’re experiencing right now is an instant good mood.  (If you’re not, we’re going to have to have a talk.)

Also On Tap for Today:

  • It’s 5% day at local Whole Foods Markets in support of Community Servings
  • Attempting to work out (come on, little foot!)
  • Sending out my November Foodie Pen Pal package 🙂

What is your favorite YouTube video of all time?


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Today: A laugh attack precipitated by a squirrel attack.

[tweetmeme source=”elizabethev” only_single=false]I had one too many Diet Cokes (yes, I am back on the wagon) last night and was having trouble falling asleep, so I spent a little time scrolling through my Twitter feed.  Adam at Universal Hub is always a great source for city news, often covering the real, meaningful stories that don’t make it to the front page.  Like, of the newspaper.  Remember those?  Every now and then something weird sneaks in there.

Yesterday he posted this, causing me to have an uncontrollable laughter-induced asthma attack.

Once I was able to breathe again, I clicked over to the original story and again, found myself needing medical attention.  Allow me to paraphrase for you:

A man sees what he assumes to be a dying squirrel.  He is incidentally a bartender, and unmarried  (the man, not the squirrel).  The man wants to give the squirrel a “dignified death,” so he tries to put it in a tree.  Then the squirrel bites him… and dies.  But don’t worry, animal control is following up.

Is this the strangest thing you have ever heard?  I’m too busy imagining how any of this happened, to get anything done.  At all.  It’s a miracle I am even able to type right now.  Also, if Nick comes home with a broken finger from a squirrel bite today… I just don’t know.  This is the kind of thing my uncle Dick would have just loved.

Also On Tap for Today:

What are you laughing about today?


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Today: Laugh it up, Universe.

[tweetmeme source=”elizabethev” only_single=false] I’m fairly certain that when the Universe needs a good laugh, they’ve got me on speed dial.  On their video phone.  Someone out there has got to be chuckling this week.

The Jetsons totally invented Face Time.

[Photo source]

Case in point:  On Tuesday afternoon, I rushed to the Post Office before they closed to buy stamps for a gigantic invitation mailing.  Because I live in the most awesome neighborhood in Boston, there was nowhere to park.  And because I live in the most bizarre neighborhood in Boston, there were actually plenty of places to park, but they were marked with lawn chairs, an old filing cabinet, and a pile of shoes.

I’ve come to the point this winter where I ain’t afraid of no milk crate.  I’ve tossed three– count ’em, three!– space savers into snow banks when I’ve needed to make a quick stop in Southie.  All three times, I put the space saver right back where I found it, and I believe no one was the wiser.  Unless you’re reading this now.  In which case, I drive a… purple…. um…. station wagon. With flames on the side.

What I won’t mess with is space savers that are being guarded by actual, real humans.  It’s like the new breed of neighborhood patrol or something.  Just as I was about to go for one orange cone-marked spot, a woman giving me the Evil Eye popped out of nowhere.  No thanks.

So I circled the block five times, like a complete creep, until a spot finally opened within walking distance of the Post Office.  Apparently this expedition took a full twenty minutes, because my watch read 5:01 as I reached the firmly locked front door.  In some sort of possessed craze, I pressed my face against the glass (Eureka!  That’s how I got a cold again!) and mouthed the words,

“Pleeeaaaaase.  Leeeet meeee iiiiiiiiin.  Staaaaaaaamps.  Ahhhhh.”

It’s a wonder, really, that no one obliged my request.  This is where things go from bad to worse, on in the Universe’s eyes, from good to completely tubular.  I had the invitation in my hand that needed to be weighed so that I could buy the appropriate whatever-cent stamps for the rest of the batch.  I also had a few miscellaneous letters and bills to mail.  Why did I put them all– including the un-stamped, un-weighed invitation– into the giant blue mailbox?  Doh!  I left my stupid parking spot with no stamps, and no invitation with which to determine which stamps I needed to buy in the first place.

Then there was today, when I made a quick trip to the ladies room (not sure why I felt compelled to tell you it was quick, but it was) and was certain I had locked my stall door, until it flew wide open.  And I was not alone in the bathroom.  Naturally. I hate public restrooms.  Especially when they’re really, well,  public.

I could go on and on, but I don’t want you laughing too hard.  At me.

I believe the score stands at Universe: Eleventy million, Elizabeth: zero.

Also On Tap for Today:

Is the Universe on your side today?


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Today: Laugh it off.

According to scientists a random website claiming to quote a Vanderbilt study, one can burn as many as 50 calories a day by laughing.  Fifty calories!  That’s half a 100 calorie pack of Cheez-Its!  Good heavens.  If you laughed off 50 calories a day, you could laugh off a full 4.4 lbs each year.  Wouldn’t that be fun?  The challenge, of course, is that you’d have to find something to laugh about on the reg.  If you’re me, you look in the mirror and find an endless reservoir of giggles.

But you’re not me.  You’re you.  And you might need some help.  Shall we?

Facebook in Real Life

My favorite line? “…we met on an oil rig and we were lovers for fifty years!”

Cute Overload

Overload would imply that at some point, you’ve had enough.  I’ve been devoting quite a bit of my life’s time to scrolling through the pages of Cute Overload and if anything, I am left wanting more.  More pictures of baby goats standing atop open dishwasher doors, to be specific.

Hit up the Hallmark aisle.

They pay their writers for a reason.  That reason? So we can pass time in the card section, even when we have no occasion for which to be buying cards, awkwardly solo-laughing in public.

Follow Eyjafjallajokul (yes, the volcano) on Twitter.

There have been no new tweets since s/he stopped erupting, but when s/he was active (both environmentally and on Twitter) s/he was a real hoot.

Check your local listings… and newspapers.

I don’t know about you, but I find the best flavor of humor is often local.  Straight out of Massachusetts this week:

  • Lord Jesus Christ was hit by a car while crossing the street.  WBZ got the exclusive interview with JC, no… not that one. The other one.  From the article: “Christ is still sore from last week’s accident, but true to his name, he is praying for a quick recovery. ‘I feel very privileged to have the name. I’m the second person to have that name. The first one was 2,000 years ago.'”  Oh.  Okay.

And don’t even get me started on public access television.  There’s a show that airs on the Cape that, as best I can tell, features two cranky ladies gossiping in their finest embroidered turtlenecks.  I love it.  My hometown newspaper is often rife with comedic gems, better known as Letters to the Editor.  When I worked in Rhode Island, I discovered that the local paper in town took this practice to a whole ‘nutha level, publishing anonymous phone messages (seriously) in a section titled “Speak Out.”

Speaking of anonymous phone calls, who doesn’t love a good prank call?

Old people call them “the funnies” for a reason, I think.

I prefer the old-fangled ones, but the new fangled ones are good for a laugh, too.

Pirate jokes.  They arrrgh my favorite.

A pirate walked into a bar with a ships wheel shoved down the front of his pants.  The bartender saw him approach the bar and asked, “Sir, are you aware you have a ship’s wheel in your trousers?”  “Ay,” the pirate replied, “it’s drivin’ me nuts.”

Too vulgar?  My apologies.

Rent Clark for an hour.

According to his dog walker, he is a one man (canine?) comedy show.  Please excuse the pee/poo over-share.  And the misspelling of Clark.

In truth, you can’t rent him, but excessive photos and videos are free of charge.  Just say the word.  I stalk my dog.

Also On Tap for Today:

Your turn.  Make me laugh and I will be your fifty-calorie-burning friend forever.


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Today: Take a Layered Approach.

I like to misuse corporate jargon whenever possible.  I try to integrate phrases or buzz words like circle back, best practices, taking a 10,000 ft. view, and my most favorite, subvert the dominant paradigm, when least proper or sensible.  If I were playing Buzzword Bingo against myself, I’d probably… always win.

Speaking of winning (even though the good guys lost), there was  a BC v. Stinks to BU hockey game on Friday night.  Unfortunately my older brother was sick, but fortunately, he offered us his tickets for the game.  Thanks, Jimmy!  Here’s the really cool (Awful pun? Intended!) part:  the game was outdoors, at Fenway Park.

Frozen Fenway

And this, folks, is why I took a layered approach:

I bundled up to the point of being smoking hot.  And who knows, I may have even looked good.  Layering up inside, with the heat on?  Not the most comfortable plan.

  • Layer 1: Unmentionables and a second application of antiperspirant. TMI?  Sorry that I’m not sorry.
  • Layer 2 and 2.5: Tank top.  Long sleeved tee-shirt and leggings, topped with knee socks.  This is more of a “don’t look” than a look.
  • Layer 3: Super Fan tee-shirt (obvi), jeans, very warm socks (Thanks, Santa!)… and a look of slight discomfort.
  • Layer 4: Sweater or fleece.  And a quick respite in front of the fan.
  • Final layer: Jacket, mittens, my Harry Potter Boston College scarf and my Hunter wellies.  Plus feelings of dizziness and disorientation.

That's the hood to my Fenway Parka... get it?

I packed a few snacks and a bottle of water (which, surprisingly, was not promptly confiscated at the Park), my digicam, an extra pair of gloves, a winter hat and–most importantly–my winning attitude.  Off we went to Fenway to watch the boys in maroon and gold play ball.  With a hockey puck.

Also On Tap for Today:

  • Finish my latest beauty review for Yahoo! Shine
  • Summit Mount Saint Laundry

What’s your favorite corporate buzz word? Please misuse it in a sentence.


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Today: Back away from the Flowbee.

*Please excuse the overabundance of Christmas references.  I am in full on elf mode and can’t help myself.  No matter what you believe and celebrate, I am wishing you and yours a very happy and healthy season!

You might be scrambling for thoughtful, although last minute, gifts for kith and kin.  And since On Tap for Today is  the internet’s most reliable source of information (second only, perhaps, to the wikipedia pages I myself have edited), here you are.

Or maybe, you’re completely bored and there are no Golden Girls marathons on today.  Or even more likely, you searched for something important… like, which beers are on tap at your local spot today.  Whoops.  I welcome you, irregardless.

This time of year, the internet is overflowing with gift guides, promising to lead you to the Golden Fleece of presents.  One that will never be re-gifted, but rather treasured for all time.  While the other folks will tell you what to buy, I felt it my duty to advise you of the opposite.

In some particular order, the five presents you must not buy:

  • Manties, Mantyhose, or Manx. For the imaginationally challenged, those are panties, pantyhose and Spanx specially designed for men.  (Please do your own Yahooing, I do not want to be held responsible for providing links for these.) I am all for gender equality, but since when is the right to wear pantyhose something one would actively seek out?  Equal pay?  Hell, yes.  But pantyhose?  Really?  This is one of those gifts you should entrust your friends and loved ones to purchase for themselves.  Enter the gift card.
  • Sure, the Mr. Toad Bathroom Butler may be marked down from $169.99 to $74.95 on Amazon…  but there are times when saving 56% is a bad thing.  In this case, it’s a very bad thing.

I'm scared.

  • The Flowbee Vacuum Haircut System promises you’ll “have fun, save money” and that this futuristic vacuum attachment is “safe and easy to use.”  Safe or not, this thing is terrifying.  This photo, which happens to feature Rick Hunts, Flowbee inventor, suggests that my vacuum has the power transform the men in my life into Miami Vice characters.  And maybe the hair that’s sucked off their heads will mistakenly shoot out onto their faces, giving them an awkward mustache.  Is that really worth the $99.99?

But wait… haircut clean up is only a suction away! Nope.  This is still a bad idea.  Don’t buy it.  You might want to visit their site, however.  The picture of the lady Flowbee-ing is priceless.

  • We have high ceilings in our condo, and I often wonder what we will do the day something happens up there.  I am not sure what that something might be… but it would be handy to have some sort of collapsible ladder around.  I’m all for practical gifts.  Things people will use, and even better, might need.  I am not all for practical gifts that might cause bodily harm, like… say… the Telesteps 12 1/2 Aluminum Telescoping Ladder.

If you’re laughing right now, you’re completely sick.  And you just earned membership in my exclusive club.

Please don't bite me. Photo: makli.com

  • And last but not least, the final gift you should not, under any circumstances, go out and buy for a loved one this Christmas: those weird little  hamster toys.  I’m not including them on this list because of GoodGuide‘s warning that they contain higher than allowed levels of the chemical antimony.  Heck, I don’t even know what an antimony is.  I just think these toys are plain old creepy.  Who wants a robotic rodent tooting around their home, underfoot.  And what if your child loved their mock hamster, but an unsuspecting relative tried to play the hero, squashing the wee electronipet and saving your family’s holiday meal from infestation?  Now that would make for a great story.

At the end of the day, there may be no better present than your presenceUnless you’re a bad person.  Just kidding… you’re perfect. Back away from the last minute “deals” and just show up as your merry self.  After all, we celebrate Christmas* because Baby Jesus arrived… not because He arrived with a Zhu-Zhu pet.

Also On Tap for Today:

  • How cool are these caroling word garlands?
  • Nick and I are celebrating Christmas a bit early, before he and the puppy head north to Nick’s parents’ house
  • Remember those seat and reach tests we had to take in Phys. Ed.?

How are you/have you been celebrating the holidays?  Do you have a favorite tradition to share?  Or a particularly awful special present?